KOTOR II-Atton And Exile: Trust

Trust

She stood at the top of the rise, looking out over the silvered plains of Dantooine. This place brought back memories of quieter and happier times when she was a padawan at the Enclave. She was a contentious youth, often getting into heated arguments about certain history facts and even ancient Jedi tenants. Her master, Kavar, always let her speak her mind though, often rebutting certain points in her arguments and then proving why things were the way they were. Of course, Meetra would try to argue back but when proven she was wrong on certain things, would humbly apologize to Kavar. He always accepted with grace and a grin. Of all the Masters at the Dantooine Enclave, Kavar was the most liberal one, letting his students stretch out their wings and fail when they over reached. This inevitably led to the students to do things with a firmer set of mind and discipline.

However, he took a special interest in her and solely devoted his teaching to Meetra. Meetra often asked Kavar why but he would smile and just say that she was special and needed the extra attention. As the Master and apprentice trained over the years, they became good friends. She smiled fondly of the times they would spend on this very rise and look out over the expanse of tall grass stretching for miles. With the wide-open sky above and the open plains below, it was the perfect spot for meditation, for opening the senses to feel the life force all around. This place teemed with life and it would always settle Meetra’s restless spirit. Her views about a lot of the old tenants were unpopular among the old Masters and the more conservative students. They aligned with Revan’s and Malak’s thinking, and she thought they were not far from being right. Things progressed and if the Jedi Order did not, then they were doomed.

As such, the old tired thinking did doom the Order and the last of the Jedi Council lay at peace in the ruins of the Enclave. The one that hit her the most was Master Kavar’s death. She wasn’t able to do anything to save him as Kreia…no, Darth Traya now, killed them, in order to stop them from severing her link to the Force. It was her choice! She never asked for this bond with the woman and certainly didn’t ask for a stronger connection with the Force that everyone one she met and traveled with were now bound to her. To feel sorrow and regret, anger and helplessness again had her remember why she turned her back on the Force, severed her link to it all those years ago. It hurt and Meetra could not deal with the pain.

All those lives, dead, the ghosts of the past echoing in her heart, just as the ghosts of the newly dead, echoed now, fresh, cutting out a piece of her heart again. Meetra could not sever herself from the Force now if she wanted to. Her connection was too strong and it would have dire repercussions if she did. So lost was she in the turmoil of her thoughts and feelings, Meetra didn’t realize she was not alone until a hand reached behind her and gently grasped her face, fingers curling along her jaw and neck in a way that a simple twist would snap her neck. She didn’t flinch, however, knowing that the quiet presence was no threat to her, despite his past. Of all the companions, she trusted him the most.

“You do not fear that I would snap your neck if I wanted?” Atton spoke quietly in her ear, resting his other hand on her upper arm.

“No. I don’t fear you, Jaq.”

His fingers spasmed a little at her throat as Meetra called him his name from the past, his true name. “I’m no longer that man, Jedi.”

“Some part of you still is.” Meetra turned her head to the side and into Atton’s neck. “It is and always will be a part of you. Just as I will always be what I am, despite how much I try to run away from the feelings I deny myself.”

Atton’s fingers caressed at her face, a loving and sensual gesture that made her heart speed up. “And what are you denying yourself, Meetra?”

“Feeling the pain at the loss of life, the sorrow of losing the ones I loved and respected. Because I couldn’t deal with it, I cut myself off from the Force and yet, I carried an open wound that never healed.”

“We are all human. You ran, just as I ran after I walked away from the Sith. If there is one thing I have learned from you, Meetra, you have to come to terms with your past lest it rule your future and hold you back from being the person you are.”

“What if I dragged all you along, manipulating your emotions unintentionally, and going against what you are meant to be?” Meetra whispered in despair.

He turned Meetra in his arms and looked down at her, the silver light of the moon making her fair skin glow in addition to the light of the Force surrounding her. Atton tilted her chin up so she had to meet his gaze. “I am here because I want to be. I was there before all this mumbo jumbo nonsense about Force bonds came to be. You are a leader; you inspire others to their fullest potential. That is what leaders do! Revan was that way; she made us believe that things could be better! Look at what was accomplished during the Mandalorian War.”

“Yes, and there was a high cost that was paid.”

“True. You are still paying that cost because you are the person you are. Meetra,” Atton sighed quietly, his thumb stroking across her mouth. “you are the most generous and caring person I have met. Because you do care what happens, you beat yourself up the hardest when terrible things happen under your watch. What do those Masters know about you? You haven’t lost touch with your humanity, it is because of your humanity, that what had happened affects you deeply. As a Sith, I can tell you, when I tortured Jedi, I didn’t care what happened to them as a person. I wanted them to hurt because of what they represented. Because of them, they let thousands of innocents suffer while the Mandalorians razed and killed people. The Jedi are supposed to be the knights of justice! They are supposed to protect those that can’t protect themselves! You knew that. The Order got bogged down in politics and forgot what it is like to be among the throngs of humanity, to see the struggle of life, the suffering, joy, and love.” His voice quieted at the end.

“Love…it is what brings the Jedi’s downfall.” Meetra said bitterly.

“Not so. Because of love, I received redemption.” Atton said softly.

“From that Jedi woman?”

“It was a start but no, it is from you. I have argued with myself, denied that what I was feeling was nothing but lust and infatuation. It isn’t. I love you, Meetra, more than a companion loves his leader, or student for a teacher. No, this is, as a man loves a woman. You brought light into my dark cynical world, made me see what I was afraid of and face it. Love is not something that should be forbidden because of some archaic Jedi teaching. It doesn’t lead to the Dark Side. Jealousy, obsession, now, that does.”

Meetra smiled shakily and raised her hand to hold Atton’s wrist as he lightly caressed at her cheek. “When did you get all philosophical?”

“Heh, I have my moments.” Atton grinned. “You care and love those who travel with you but let me ask you, have you ever let yourself be loved in return?”

She blinked at the bold question and looked inside herself. The echo of the wound in her resonated at Atton’s question. He brought forth harsh truths that she had denied for so long that she was blind. She was blind to Atton’s attentions to her, so focused was she on regaining her connection. The thing that strengthened a Jedi or any human being was their connection to others. Meetra kept everyone at a distance unconsciously, and thus, denied herself for getting too close. However, this man, this former hunter of Jedi, who was more in touch with his baser emotions, was not deterred in breaking down that wall that kept her separated from everyone else. Meetra didn’t want to admit her own feelings toward Atton because if something had happened to him, she was afraid of what would happen to her. Kreia was right, she was afraid. She was afraid of connecting to people again. Afraid to love. A door opened inside her and light poured in. The empty hole inside was filling with light. “No, I never have.” She said quietly.

“That is a shame.” Atton shook his head. “Don’t you think it is time?” He cupped her face in his hand and pulled her mouth to his, brushing his lips across hers tentatively. Meetra pulled back a little but Atton kept a firm hold. “Trust me, Meetra.” He said softly.

“I do, Atton.”

“Then let me love you.” He whispered.